Finding Heart
'Finding Heart' has many different meanings. I’ve come to realize that the true essence of the meaning is to remain true to who I am and finding out what sustains and encourages love. Love for another person, love for myself, and most adamantly love for ALLAH (swt).
Finding Heart
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"4 am
My phone rings and intrudes on the quiet darkness like a bomb.
It wakes me right out of my sleep, bracing myself against foggy confusion.
I was having a good dream, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was about now.
It’s you calling,
I stare at the phone for almost four whole rings arguing with myself, until I decide to pick up.
You’re drunk.
It’s the first thing you tell me when I answer, a warning I’ve heard too many times before.
I can scarcely understand you,
you trip and fall and crawl over your words, you’ve never been this bad before.
You ask me where I’ve been,
why I haven’t come around in awhile.
Did I still miss you.
It’s funny because all day I had wished you would text me, it’s been almost two weeks since the last time we spoke and I wished with every fibre of my being that you had some sort of valid excuse, so that I could justify still wanting you.
But Allah is very good at making points, especially with me, because there are some lessons I can’t seem to learn, no matter how many men I let throw me away.
“Thank God you picked up” you say, sliding through your words like your first time on ice skates.
I roll my eyes on the other end of the phone, but I don’t hang up.
I never hang up.
Instead I tell myself that rolling my eyes and shaking my head in the dark where you can’t see me is enough, even while I soften my voice for you.
You tell me this is the last time you are ever drinking again,
You’re nauseous but you can’t throw up,
you ask if I know the feeling,
I’m ashamed to say all too well,
so I say nothing.
I don’t think you’ve noticed that I haven’t said a word since we started talking.
You say you’ve been kicking it with some bad guys but you’re going to stop soon… Wallahi.
“Soon” is the key word here,
not now, not tonight, but “soon”
and I wish you wouldn’t mix Allah with your liquor.
I’m going to be better - you say
I’m going to be better for you…
I put my phone down on the bed so I don’t have to hear the rest of your 4 am drunken promises that you are counting on forgetting by the morning.
You ask me who I’ve been seeing,
I don’t answer, my voice keeps breaking in my throat,
you ask if I’m crying
I say “No” it sounds sharp and defensive.
I hear you laugh, it’s patronizing.
“I don’t care who you’ve been with” you say “but it’s time for you to be done with them now”
Where have you been? I finally ask breaking my silence
— around.
Around? Where?
— I’ve been busy.
With who?
— why are you riding me?
With who?
— chill.
With who?
— astaughfirullah man.
Why do you always do this?
— why are you so crazy?
I open my mouth to defend myself, and then shut it.
My face gets hot and tingling,
my hands turned red and I could feel my eyes filling with tears,
I tried not to blink.
Even though you could not see me, I knew you didn’t deserve these tears,
Crazy, in my experience, is a word that men use to cut you down when they feel threatened.
Nonetheless the words tore through me.
I do everything I can to not be called “crazy”,
I don’t tell you how badly you’ve hurt me because I don’t want you to say it’s all in my head.
I don’t try to hold your hand in public because I don’t want you to say I’m possessive.
I don’t ask you who all those unsaved numbers are in your phone because I don’t want you to say I’m sneaky.
I don’t text you to tell you that I miss you because I don’t want you to say I’m clingy.
I don’t ask for any titles because I don’t want you to say that I’m needy.
But you don’t come around for two weeks and when I ask you where you were and I’m crazy?
You said you had to go, you’dtext me tomorrow.
It’s been another two weeks and
only Allah knows why I’m still waiting."
Key Ballah; a story from the dark days. (via keywrites)
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"When he decides he doesn’t love you anymore,here is what you do: Move on quietly. Love yourself loudly."
Karese Burrows (via sarajevomoja)
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"So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"
Hunter S. Thompson  (via thelittlephilosopher)
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The quality of a Husband
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"

You can’t just pretend that the things you watch, and the things you hear, and the places you go will not have an impact on your character. They will.

~ Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

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(via bandaidcannothelpacorpse)
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"Child of Adam, you were not made of light like the Angels, nor were you made of smokeless fire as the Jinn were. So do not attempt to be perfect, rather pursue perfection. & control the fire that rages within you and do not allow it to consume you. Child of Adam, you were created from the earth; humble yourself."
nonchalante  (via passionate-opinions)
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"We need women who are so strong they can be gentle, so educated they can be humble, so fierce they can be compassionate, so passionate they can be rational, and so disciplined they can be free."
Kavita Ramdas (via gettingahealthybody)
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"O mankind! Your rebellion is only against yourselves."
Surah al-Yunus verse 23 (10:23)  (via lovelydeen)
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"People are of two kinds; the seeker of religion and the seeker of the world."
Ibn Taymiyyah, Majmoo’ Fataawa, 11/620  (via muslimahbyheart)
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gracehasmyharto:

afropunker:

noideawhatimdoingrightnow:

Let me just tell you something about this final scene. I sat through this whole movie thoroughly enjoying every last little bit of it. I even made a running motion when the first two gifs happened. When the movie finished my boyfriend was very very quiet and he looked a little sad. I was very confused because it was a fantastic movie. He turned to me and asked “is that suppose to represent how our education system doesn’t make enough accommodations for [mentally] slower students?"  Monster’s University was a little deeper than I thought

TUMBLR SHUT UP HE IS A SLUG. The literal message is HE IS A SLUG WHO IS SLOW LIKE SLUGS IN NATURE SO STOP.

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gracehasmyharto:

afropunker:

noideawhatimdoingrightnow:

Let me just tell you something about this final scene. I sat through this whole movie thoroughly enjoying every last little bit of it. I even made a running motion when the first two gifs happened. When the movie finished my boyfriend was very very quiet and he looked a little sad. I was very confused because it was a fantastic movie. He turned to me and asked “is that suppose to represent how our education system doesn’t make enough accommodations for [mentally] slower students?"  Monster’s University was a little deeper than I thought

TUMBLR SHUT UP HE IS A SLUG. The literal message is HE IS A SLUG WHO IS SLOW LIKE SLUGS IN NATURE SO STOP.

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gracehasmyharto:

afropunker:

noideawhatimdoingrightnow:

Let me just tell you something about this final scene. I sat through this whole movie thoroughly enjoying every last little bit of it. I even made a running motion when the first two gifs happened. When the movie finished my boyfriend was very very quiet and he looked a little sad. I was very confused because it was a fantastic movie. He turned to me and asked “is that suppose to represent how our education system doesn’t make enough accommodations for [mentally] slower students?"  Monster’s University was a little deeper than I thought

TUMBLR SHUT UP HE IS A SLUG. The literal message is HE IS A SLUG WHO IS SLOW LIKE SLUGS IN NATURE SO STOP.

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gracehasmyharto:

afropunker:

noideawhatimdoingrightnow:

Let me just tell you something about this final scene. I sat through this whole movie thoroughly enjoying every last little bit of it. I even made a running motion when the first two gifs happened. When the movie finished my boyfriend was very very quiet and he looked a little sad. I was very confused because it was a fantastic movie. He turned to me and asked “is that suppose to represent how our education system doesn’t make enough accommodations for [mentally] slower students?"  Monster’s University was a little deeper than I thought

TUMBLR SHUT UP HE IS A SLUG. The literal message is HE IS A SLUG WHO IS SLOW LIKE SLUGS IN NATURE SO STOP.

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poeticislam:

Ways to Increase ‘Eeman: Reciting and contemplating upon the Qur’an.
Al-Ajurri, may Allah have mercy upon him, said:
"Whoever contemplates His words, will know the Lord and he will know of His great power and capability, His immense favor upon the believers, and of the obligation upon himself to worship Him.
Accordingly, the person imposes this duty upon himself thereby being on his guard against that which his Generous Patron and Protector has warned of and coveting that which He has made desirous.
Whoever is of this description when reciting the Qur’an or when listening to it when recited by another, the Qur’an will be a cure for him. He becomes rich without money, he attains power and strength without kinsfolk and finds intimacy in that which others feel alienation towards.
His desire when opening a Surah for recitation will be, ‘when will I accede to the admonition contained within what I recite?’ and his desire will not be, ‘when will I complete this Surah?’
His aspiration is none other than, ‘When will I understand what Allah is addressing me with? When will I restrain (from committing sins)? When will I take heed?’
This is because reciting the Qur’an is worship and it is not to be done so in a state of heedlessness, and Allah is the one who grants the tawfiq towards that?”
For this reason, Allah, the Generous, orders His servants and encourages them to ponder over the Qur’an, Allah says:
"Do they not then contemplate on the Qur’an? Had it been from other than Allah, they would surely have found therein much contradiction.” [Al-Qur’an 4:82]
He says:
"Do they not then contemplate on the Qur’an, or are there locks upon their hearts?” [Al-Qur’an 47:24]
Allah proclaims that He only revealed the Qur’an so that its ayat would be pondered over, He says:
"(This is a) Book that We have sent down to you, full of blessings, so that they may ponder over its ayat, and that those of understanding may remember." [Al-Qur’an 38:29]
Allah also explains that the reason behind the lack of guidance for the one who deviates from the straight path is his disregard for reflecting on the Qur’an and being too proud to listen to it, He says:
"Indeed, My ayat used to be recited to you, but you used to turn back on your heels. With haughtiness, you talked evil about it (i.e., the Qur’an) throughout the night. Have they not then pondered over the Word (i.e., the Qur’an) or has there come to them what had not come to their fathers of old?” [Al-Qur’an 23:66-68]
Photo taken by Mohamed Nasr